Each and Every One
by memer
Summary: Leaving the Underland has proved much more troublesome for Gregor than originally anticipated. Being happy is difficult and forgetting about it is impossible, especially when one of its inhabitants decides that they're going to pay you an extended stay. This takes place after Gregor and the Code of Claw. Rated T for recollection of the war.
1. Chapter 1

After leaving the Underland for the last time, things were mostly okay. His mother was still tired and needed help doing things. His father struggled too. The medicines from the Underland were helping and both of them stayed at a stable place. Lizzie was nervous and didn't speak much. Gregor knew she missed her code-breaking friends. Boots seemed confused. She continued to ask for Temp. It upset everyone to hear her bring up the Underland. They didn't let it show.

Gregor himself though? He decided it didn't really matter how he felt. He pushed away any thoughts of his friends from the Underland. He pushed away his thoughts in general most of the time. His family needed him to be strong. Thinking about the people he knew, thinking about anything at all was too much of a distraction.

Within the first few weeks of being home, his parents began to fight. Maybe it wasn't a_ fight_, just more of an argument. It was the argument that determined where they would live. His mother wanted to move in with her brother in Virginia and his father wanted to stay. Gregor ever so quietly agreed with his father. How on earth would his recovering parents fare if they uprooted their family, yet again? He would have asked Lizzie what she thought, but he didn't want to upset her more than she already seemed to be.

As much as Gregor wanted to get involved, he figured it wouldn't matter what he thought in the end. He shut himself in his room. Or, at least, he tried to. The lack of door on his wall sort of kept that from happening. He was forced to listen to the words of his parents. They were never mean words. They just annoyed him with their inability to see their lives for what they really were.

They argued for days about it. Gregor wanted to scream at them to just shut up. "For the love of all that's good in the world, would you both just shut up?" He would think. He wouldn't say that though. Why were they arguing in the first place? "No matter where we go, I'll hate it. Lizzie will hate it too. They're lying to themselves if they think it'll be better in either place." He thought bitterly. He would never say that aloud either. It'd hurt his mother's feelings terribly. His father would be disappointed too.

He still couldn't understand them. How on earth would their grandmother be able to move to Virginia? She was in the hospital! His mother should be in the hospital too. Well, maybe. She was getting better. But his grandmother sure wasn't!

Still, the arguments continued. Until finally, one strangely quiet night, his mother stood in his doorway after putting Boots and Lizzie down for bed. Her face looked like she was forcing it to be emotionless. She was doing a fairly good job of it. Gregor was becoming somewhat of an expert on that particular skill.

"Gregor, I'm going to just ask you now. Do you want to stay in New York or go to Virginia?"

He stared at her for a moment and shook his head. He wasn't expecting that question. "Whatever will make you happy?" He replied with a bit of shake in his voice. He hadn't meant to make it sound like a question. His mother frowned at him.

"Gregor, please give me a straight answer." Gregor ran a finger down a particularly prominent scar on his arm as he pondered the question. He couldn't remember what particularly caused the scar though.

"I don't think Virginia is a possibility, Mom." He whispered, trying to be kind, but honest. It was difficult being nice and honest at the same time. That's why he was beginning to think that lying was better. Her face stayed stony.

"Why do you think that?" She asked quietly, too gently. Her tone irritated him.

"It just isn't!" He snapped. Only after he had shouted did he remember that Boots would be sleeping. Lizzie would be lying awake to listen. "It just isn't." He repeated with a more calm tone to his voice. "Grandma is sick and she's not getting better. She can't go to Virginia like that. There's no way! You're still sick and if you have a relapse and we can't go back to the Underland for them to help you, what are we going to do?" He was rambling now, but he didn't care. He'd avoided the subject long enough. "Lizzie can't handle being jostled around even more, and you're crazy if you think Boots is just going to forget. And I'm not forgetting either! How could you expect me to forget? Remember what Lizzie told us? 'Ripred says that if you run from things that scare you they just chase you', so why do you keep trying to run?" His voice cracked on the end, but he refused to cry. His mother's hand reached for his. He resisted the urge to pull away from her.

"Thank you for telling me the truth, baby. I'll tell your father what you think." She patted his hair in a way that used to comfort him. He wasn't sure what comforted him now. She squeezed his hand for a second and then backed out the door.

He was already starting to regret his snap at her. It was cruel and childish. Some of those things had needed to be said though.

Even though he slipped up moments ago, he was learning to hide behind a mask. If Luxa could hide her feelings, he could do it too. Mimicking her wasn't as hard as it once seemed to be.

There were unintelligible whispers that came from the kitchen that lay just down the hall. Gregor couldn't decide if he wanted to know what the two of them were saying or not. In a moment, he decided that he didn't, and stayed in his room.

After a few hours, the talking died down to a silence. He didn't like silence anymore. The lights in the apartment were shut off and his parents retreated to their bedroom. He sat in the darkness of his bedroom, not bothering to try to get to sleep. Sleep rarely came so easily anymore.

After that night, no one spoke of moving again.


	2. Chapter 2

School was pure agony. Sitting still for long periods of time had begun to make Gregor excruciatingly paranoid. The feeling of being watched, of always needing to be alert intensified greatly. He pulled through it as best he could with what he had. He focused on trying to keep the other students and teachers from noticing his acute discomfort.

His time outside of school was mostly spent alone in his room. Staring outside the window seemed more fun than trying to play outside with Lizzie and Boots. After a while the girls had stopped asking him to take them out. Even Gregor knew this was unlike him to act so carelessly toward his family. He wanted to help, he really did. It was impossible though. Staying away was for the best. He'd just end up hurting them.

Also, he couldn't play with his sisters, because honestly just being outside had begun to make him nervous, always looking over his shoulder, anticipating something. It was difficult for him to admit to himself that he was anticipating attacks from rats. Reminding himself of the peace in Regalia helped little. Thinking of the city just made things worse.

The months of November to April were blurry. Looking back, he remembered almost nothing of any events that happened during them. His lessons in school were fuzzy. It was like he was wearing glasses that were too strong of a prescription. It was like he was underwater. He couldn't breathe or hear or even think.

Winter had blended into spring. It was almost as if one day he woke up from one of his brief naps and all the snow had gone.

Things were steadily getting worse. When he tried to sleep for longer than a few moments at a time, he had the infamous nightmares of falling. New additions to his library of dreams included the war, the rats, Luxa, and Ares. The latter two were somehow the most terrifying.

So he stopped sleeping regularly. His family worried, but he was readily prepared to assure them he was fine. That is, when he wasn't hiding from them. Hiding was better for both him and them. He feared most was snapping at them of all people. Things were definitely getting much worse.

Perhaps he was not as fine as he pretended to be.

Perhaps he was not fine at all.


	3. Chapter 3

It was the very last week in May when his mom patted the cushion next to her as she sat alone on their old, ratty couch.

He had been in the kitchen drinking his fourth cup of water in a row. His dad had put his hand on Gregor's shoulder and held his hand out for the green cup. This was not an uncommon happening. Suddenly he found himself back in the trying quest for the Prophecy of Blood and the fierce thirst he felt while on the journey returned. "Your mother wants to talk to you in the living room." Gregor's dad informed him gently.

They all spoke gently to him now. Lizzie tried her best to avoid making him jump. Even Boots seemed to understand. They spoke in almost whispers when he was in the room. In some ways, Gregor appreciated it. In other ways, it irritated him.

Gregor robotically handed him the cup and shuffled toward the living room. The linoleum on the kitchen floor twisted and swirled in his vision. Gregor squeezed his eyes shut. That was a bad idea, he decided, after he ran into the door frame. That would leave a bruise. His mother looked panicked when he opened his eyes, but Gregor simply shrugged and rubbed his forehead absently

He sat down, unsure of how to react to this; usually they just tip-toed around him, trying not to make things worse. He felt guilty about it when he wasn't in 'one of his moods' as his mother called them. He didn't know what 'one of his moods' was. To, him, he was always in 'one of his moods'.

"Gregor, sweetie, I know you've been having a hard time lately, and I'm sorry." She rubbed his shoulder as she spoke. "Your father and I think that maybe it's time for you to take a break."

Gregor's eyebrows furrowed dramatically. "Take a break from what?"

"According to some of your teachers, you don't seem to do well in school. Your grades are decent, but they tell me you look unhappy." They probably said something more than that, but it seemed that she didn't want to upset him. She bit her lip as if it was painful for her too. Gregor clenched his jaw. He tasted something salty in his mouth. He'd bitten into his cheek in distress. He thought he had been getting better at this, at hiding his emotions. "We thought you could end the year early, maybe spend some time at home? It would just be for May and June."

The idea of not going to school didn't upset Gregor. It seemed like his mom was expecting one of his 'fits' as she called them. But he just nodded, smiled and said, "Okay, Mom. If you think that's what's best, I'll take a break."

His mom smiled at him and he smiled harder in return. "I think I'm going to take a nap." He lied. After a second he realized that it was a terrible lie. His parents knew he could barely sleep at night. They would certainly doubt his ability to take a nap in the afternoon.

But his mother nodded as if it made sense. Gregor rose and dragged his feet to his room. As he turned the corner into the storage space, he heard "Unpredictable," come from his mother's mouth. His father made a sound of agreement.

"Do they forget how small this apartment is?" He wondered as he laid his head on his pillow. This seemed to be his new favorite activity; staring at the ceiling. The ceiling was fairly safe. He couldn't get hurt by staring at the ceiling.

He reached over to his dresser to pick up the small object that always sat there.

Turning it over in his hands, the little plastic bat never failed to make Gregor forget whatever was on his mind. Whether that was a good thing or a bad thing was debatable.


	4. Chapter 4

Staying home from school had both positives and negatives; though if he made a list, the pros would probably outweigh the cons. It felt better to be away from the crowds of people. Being a crowd felt restrictive and he was always concentrating on whether or not he would snap. His mother and father referred to his rager sense as 'snapping'. When asked about it, Gregor simply denied anything was wrong.

Being alone in general was good. He wouldn't hurt anyone, and no one would hurt him. Originally, he figured that he would take care of Boots, but his mother happily told him of Mrs. Cormaci's 'offer' to take her during the days. He had earlier overheard his mother furiously whispering through the door, 'Yes, yes, I know Gregor will be home. Please, it's not a good idea.' Gregor had slunk back into his bedroom after hearing the exchange.

"Of course they don't trust me with Boots. It's not like I took care of her during four quests and a war or anything!" He whispered bitterly to himself. He wanted to fight with them about it, but he did understand why she didn't trust him. Gregor had a habit of forgetting to feed himself, so how could he manage to feed and care for a three-year-old child? He really had to face it. Things were just different now.

Gregor's tongue clicked every few seconds, creating an outline of his kitchen in the darkness. A small shape moved across the floor. He assumed it was an insect and continued his clicking.

In the past, his mother told him to stop using echolocation. She also scolded Boots for speaking in Cockroach. He could understand why Boots shouldn't talk like her Crawler friends, but he couldn't for the life of him figure out her reason for not allowing him to practice echolocation. It was a useful skill to have!

So he was banished to practicing in secret; like now, in the middle of the night, for instance. The digital clock on the microwave illuminated a small area of the kitchen. When he focused his eyes on it, he was horrified to find that it read 5:28 AM.

"No!" He gasped out loud. His father would be awake any minute! If he was caught that night, it'd be the third in a row. He would be practically asking for trouble. Gregor scrambled down the hall and through the doorway of his room. The moment he laid his head on his pillow, the faint noise of an alarm clock sounded through the house. "Too close," Gregor thought to himself as he quickly closed his eyes.

Moments later, the shower began to run. He could hear the door to his parents' bedroom creak open. The light footsteps indicated his mother was also awake. The footsteps came closer and closer to his doorway. Gregor squeezed his eyes shut, praying she would move past his room.

His prayers went unanswered when a light knock came to the wall next to the opening. He feigned sleep.

"I know you're awake, Gregor. I heard you running down the hall." His mother's voice was strong and stern.

Gregor let out an annoyed huff of breath. "I just woke up to get a drink," He said with a sigh as she flipped on his light switch. The light stung his eyes and he immediately buried the heels of his hands into them, rubbing furiously. The look she gave him when he slowly pulled his hands back was filled with either worry or pity. The two seemed to be practically interchangeable when it came to how his family felt toward him.

"I don't believe you. But I'm not sure if there's anything I can do about it." Her eyes flicked around the room, refusing to meet his. "Is there anything I can do about it?"

Gregor attempted to smile convincingly. "No, Mom. I'm okay, really. Just give me some time please." His mother's face softened at that. She shuffled into the room, closer to Gregor.

"Okay, baby. We all worry about you sometimes. If you need anything, just tell us. Now try to get some sleep. It's still early." She leaned over Gregor's bed to give him a kiss on the cheek. "I'll see you tonight. I love you."

"Thank you, Mom. I love you too."

The guilt hit Gregor immediately after his mother left the room. He'd had enough lies in his life during the past two years. What he just said definitely counted as lying. But he couldn't tell them the truth. He didn't even know the truth himself.

Gregor clenched his fists and rolled over. Though he had little faith and a lot of fear, he was going to try to take his mother's advice and get some sleep for once.

When he slept, he dreamed vividly of the Underland.

This morning's dream featured the war. The familiar setting sent panic through Gregor. Turning his eyes to the top of the cavern he was lying in, he saw his bond and the Bane. As the pearl-colored rat lunged toward his bat, Gregor opened his mouth to scream, "Ares!" But all that came from his mouth was a scratchy whisper. He could only stare in horror as he relived the moment of his close friend's gruesome death for the umpteenth time. "No! Ares, no!" He desperately tried to shout out again. Only this time, no sound came from him at all.

Gregor jerked upright in his bed with sweat dripping down his forehead, his body shaking and his face stained with tears. This is why he hardly slept anymore!

Gregor dragged deep breaths into his chest, trying to slow the gasps for air he woke up to. His little battery-powered alarm clock read 9:07 AM. He was alone in the house. Lizzie was at school and Boots was with Mrs. Cormaci. It wouldn't matter if he had been screaming in his sleep. No one was around to hear it and that made him sigh deeply with relief.

In a moment, his relief was replaced with confusion. Why had he woken up from his dream? He almost always saw his dreams all the way through to the end. That was not the end of the dream that he so often experienced. Something must have woken him.

A thump suddenly echoed through the apartment. His heart rate sped to the pace of when he had woken. Someone was home! They would have had to have heard him!

But no, his family was all gone, Gregor knew this. No one stayed home during the day. Gregor crawled over to his dresser and carefully wrapped his hand around one of the trophies he had won while running track. It was fairly heavy. It could probably hurt someone if Gregor put enough force behind it and hit them in an appropriate place.

Gregor slid from his bed and crept through the doorway into the hall. As far as he could tell, the lights were all still off. It didn't take long to reach the end of the hall. He pressed his back to the wall and took a deep breath. Gregor raised his trophy above his head, ready to swing at any danger and whirled around the corner.

Before he could look around the living room for danger, he slammed into another body and fell to the ground. "Gregor?" A female voice full of concern asked from above him.

"Ouch," he grunted and looked up to see a familiar pale face peering down at him.

"Luxa?"


End file.
